No Longer His First Choice
Child #1 has been having a tough year. There have been stretches of time when he has been at home, sometimes alone, sometimes with his girlfriend; but generally periods where I wonder if I should be doing more to engage him in meaningful activity. So sometimes, I resort to old mommy ideas of bringing the kids out to the park, or the zoo, or swimming - just out. These suggestions are often met with, "Nah, I'll just stay at home." So imagine my bittersweet delight when he comes down to the living room today and announces, "Mom, where are my swim shorts?" Turns out that he is finally going to the waterpark that I suggested a few months ago. This time, however, he is going with his girlfriend. Neither I nor his brother are invited. So although none of this comes as a surprise to me, I am suddenly saddened by the reality of not being first choice with my firstborn. It sort of feels like being chosen last to join the team which you started in the first place.
I dig out his swim shorts (my husband's because he's outgrown his own) and tell him to bring sunblock. Then I make a cup of coffee and let go...
Here's what the much more lyrical Khalil Gibran had to say...
On Children by Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
The Fundamental Needs of Infants and Toddlers
More than a decade ago, I wrote this piece as part of my Masters in Education and this is the conclusion to my essay. I'm happy to say that I still stand by what I wrote and the ideas and facts that I wanted to share are just as valid today. If anyone wishes to read the entire essay, just message me and I'll be happy to share.
"My first-born is now seven years old and my travails as a new mother are now behind me. Along the way, I have had to reconcile and process my learning on child-rearing practices and infant development both as a parent and as an early childhood professional. At times, my needs and values as a parent are in conflict with those as a teacher. Whilst I have personally tried to raise my two children in accordance to what research indicates will best support their fundamental needs, I have had to work with children and families who have decidedly different child-rearing practices. I work primarily with infants and toddlers who are in the care of immediate family members and I have to maintain more of a distance than when I worked in an infant-toddler daycare situation.
I believe that child-rearing practices in Singapore are undergoing some fundamental shifts. The rapid economic changes in the past three decades have caused Singaporeans to lurch forward in their lifestyles. There have therefore been concomitant changes in child-rearing practices, the most apparent of which would be the move to engaging foreign domestic workers as primary caregivers whilst both parents work. There are however, some practices that remain from the past. It would be interesting to find out where Singaporeans in general stand on the issues of extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping and baby-wearing. That would then be a springboard for making the information on the fundamental needs of young children available to parents.
Another shift in child-rearing practices in Singapore would be the increasing number of infants and toddlers being placed in long-term daycare. There are some who argue that this shift spells disaster for the well-being of young children (Prescott, 2002). This belief is often based on the idea that a monotropic (one parent to one child at a time) bond is the ideal. This largely ignores the fact that most cultures entwine their parent-child dyads within an extended social network (Small, 1998). It may be more constructive to explore if infant-toddler care centres can incorporate practices that support the fundamental needs of infants and toddlers. For example, it may be as simple as creating nursing and pumping areas as a way to encourage extended breastfeeding, or it may need more thought and planning to enable babies to be carried on the bodies of the caregivers.
Fundamentally, I believe that any changes to child-rearing practices must first be grounded in an understanding of the fundamental needs of infants and toddlers, and rather than feel shackled by the constraints of societal expectations, I choose to believe that,
“Culture and tradition are part of our flexibility, and we can, therefore, change the dictates of culture because we are culture.” (Small, 1998)"
Parenting is Messy
"Why, when we know that there's no such thing as perfect, do most of us spend an incredible amount of time and energy trying to be everything to everyone? Is it that we really admire perfection? No - the truth is that we are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth. We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect." Brene Brown
Everything about being a parenting is messy. Before we actually have that first child, we have vague imaginings about the kind of parent we will be and the perfect eternally-compliant child that we will have. Then between the first cry and the first feed, we realise that nothing is going according to plan and that little being has it own AGENDA. Suddenly and without any politeness, we no longer own our lives or our time-clocks. Some of us cotton on quickly that its like a roller coaster ride - we can clench up and steel ourselves against the flinging about or we can just let our bodies fly with the physics of the ride, enjoy the terror and hang on for dear life. Some of us who started the ride before with the whole mystery of natural childbirth start to recall how it's like riding the waves of labour - you can seize up and jack up the pain and fear, or you can surf the contractions, moan and sway like a graceless bovine and let it pass right through you. So it is, as a clumsy metaphor for the parenting journey, that parenting is not about making it right so that we can launch this new rock star into the world, but rather, catching the waves of mess and chaos and riding it to shore.
Our child will present all kinds of daily reminders that we are not fully in charge. We are not blank slates and neither are our children - they come into the world with their own imprinted personalities. God help us if their personalities don't gel naturally with ours. I am a bona-fide introvert, whether born or bred, and my second child came out with beaming smile and engaging eye-contact ready to make friends with the hospital orderly. This was not the quiet contemplative existence that I wanted to cocoon my family in, I had to learn how to do 'proper' play-dates where I had to keep accepting invitations to more. It was my personal hell for a while but that wave would only last till my child learnt (quickly) how to develop his own social circles and I could recede back into my hermit state. He has grown used to the fact that we are not a very 'networked' family and never will be, but in embracing the mess for those first years, it has enabled him to be the charismatic leader that he is.
Parenting is messy because it is one big sucker-punch of a spiritual journey. Unlike a meditation retreat where you get to be in a holy environment surrounded by like-minded peace-loving people, parenting is all about how to practise that elusive loving-kindness and equanimity in the midst of the laundry and dishes. I have to dig deep into that well-spring of calm so that I don't mindlessly flip out in anger, frustration and fear. I have to find a way to get centred so that I can truly see who my children are. And sometimes , many times, I will fail. And like coming back to the breath, I just try to regain my balance.
Sometimes in meditation, I am bombarded by images of past failings and transgressions like mocking Maras - the mind swirls in a putrid mess and the only way to 'tackle' it is to actually SIT IN IT. Then it passes and having braced the fire, I am stronger and calmer. Similarly, parenting can thrust some dreadful memories of our past back into our consciousness. We are forced to pull up some of our sacred cows of conflict, communication and discipline and really consider where we buried the bodies. How do we really think our parents (or other models of parenting) taught us about how to live our lives? Some of us may think that we are doing things differently because we now know better, but are our decisions based on some knee-jerk emotional reaction to what we experienced? As with meditation, we need to sit in it - the mess of these thoughts and emotions, until the water stills and the mud settles.
And then the child grows. He's going to make us proud but he's also going to do a lot of things that we DON'T LIKE. It's a messy business trying to keep him from doing the 'wrong thing', keeping our cool, figuring out whether we are certain about the 'right' thing, and making sure the rest of the family doesn't implode. And then there's the part about the keeping our person-hood intact.
But there is some gloriousness in the mess. Like the adage about how in life pain is inevitable but suffering is optional, so can we embrace the mess. Embrace it, accept it, and let it go. Parenting is messy but the mess ebbs and flows. Enjoy the ride - it's a thrill of a lifetime!
Duct Tape Parenting
"As your child grows, the bubble that you put them in when they were born gets stretched and yanked and tears appear. They are forced to feel the hurts of the world and all you can do as a parent is to try to keep patching it up for them. Because their happiness and wellness is paramount to you - you find yourself constantly applying your handy-dandy duct tape of love, communication, compassion and common sense."
Can you stand alone?
